Thursday 1 May 2008

Planet Nightlife

It has been a while since we last spoke and for this I apologise. Various Champions League football matches and a nasty habit of going to the pub directly from work had temporarily diverted my attention, but the idea for this very blog has been drawn from my absence.

Had I not slid into the very stereotypical routine of a 9-5 working week and a binge drinking weekend culture I would not have had the chance to make the following observation;

Where, oh where, have the normal girls gone?

Now we all know about the social labels associated with today's youth and young adults. You've got your chavs, WAGS, wannabes, twats and toffs. I have encountered them all in my Magical Mystery Tour of bars, pubs and clubs recently. But, the one type of person I have yet to come across is the one label I would have thought would be most common, normal.

Do normal girls exist? Is there even a social label for them? A norm, a normo or whatever the kids are calling them these days. If there is, I sure as hell haven't seen one and it is starting to cause me concern.

Whats more, I have started to notice a pattern and I find myself taking on a David Attenborough role, constantly monitoring their behaviour as if I'm filming Planet Nightlife:

Bars and clubs are the main dwelling of WAGS or wannabes. They are clearly identifiable to their surrounding species by their bright white highlighted hair and matching lip gloss. They hunt in pairs and attach themselves to any male that looks as if he has a decent job or plays a bit of football. The WAGs and wannabes survive solely on the money of said males to make it through the night and return on a weekly basis, hunting for fresh meat.

Toffs are a completely different breed. Dressed in Arabic scarves, denim skirts, leggings and Ugg/Cowboy boots these females hunt in larger packs and like to impose their stature on their prey at the earliest opportunity. A Toff can be heard speaking with a Royal twang and guffawing loudly at each others whimsical comments while ordering the most expensive shot at the bar. These girls will have no hesitation in buying a male a drink just to show that they can. But in one swift swoop she dashes any hopes of success by declaring that, in fact, she isn't attracted to you in the slightest, she merely enjoys purchasing beverages for others.

Join us next week on Planet Nightlife, as we continue our search for the rarest of these fascinating creatures, the normo.

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